Brown University Changes Name To White University, Retains Federal Funding
"Donald Trump is right. Rhode Island's 83% white and I'm an investment banker. Who did we think we were kidding?" ~White Chancellor, Brian Moynihan
“White University is home to a vibrant Jewish community. To celebrate, we recently rebranded our most popular club sport to Jew Jitsu.” ~White University President, Christina Hull Paxson
THE WHITE HOUSE — “Faced with my administration’s plan to halt more than half a billion dollars in contracts and grants awarded to Brown University, the Trustees unanimously agreed to change the school’s name to White University,” President Trump announced Friday. “These are very smart people. They love me and I love them.”
“White University is budget friendly. Christina is openly white. Our coat of arms has long been a white escutcheon, and, get this — our CFO is literally a guy named Michael P. White,” explained White Chancellor and Bank of America CEO, Brian Moynihan. “Not only that, when you refer to me in the press as ‘White Chancellor’ you’re killing two birds — white, White Chancellor — how great is that, Mr. President?!”
“What about Bruno the Brown bear?” asked the President. “Always liked Bruno myself. But some of my people have issues mixing Brown and White. They find it quite polarizing.”
“Bruno’s an ironic polar bear now. White fur. Black Yarmulke. Rabbi’s on board. In fact, the whole Jew Jitsu thing — that was his deal!”
“Jew Jitsu is great branding. That I can tell you.”
