“While carefully crafting an upcoming episode of Late Nite Last Nite, I needed a 10 second clip from a 90 minute monologue I toured toured 15 years ago, then decided to post the last 22 minutes of the show, which anticipates the current political and cultural moment. In fact, you may watch this and conclude Trump is a “total lightweight” — to quote the man himself — when compared to the constitutional malfeasance Bush & Obama. As evidence that the more things change the more they stay the same, one of the biggest laughs in this monologue is when I say to this D.C. audience that includes many government lawyers, “First time George Bush follows the Constitution is January 20th, 2009 when he leaves office.” We pick up 60 minutes into the show with the strip search by school officials of honor student, Savannah Redding, who is accused of having two Ibuprofen. If you’re in for the entire 84 minute show about the true story of representing myself in Federal court when facing 225 years in Federal prison, the entire performance is posted at the conclusion of this post.” ~Mark Whitney
TRANSCRIPT
April 21st, 2009, I turn 50. Same day Supreme Court hears oral arguments in the matter of Savannah Redding versus Safford, Arizona. Remember Savannah, the Ibuprofen Mule? She’s 19 now, and it doesn't look good for Savannah at all.
Justice Breyer goes, “I'm trying to figure out why this strip search is such a major thing.”
Justice Kennedy goes, “Give her a choice. Do it at the nurse's office or down at the police station.”
Justice Scalia goes, “Why are magic markers contraband at this school?”
Lawyer for the school goes, “Sniffing, Your Honor.”
June 25, 2009, seventies die with Farrah Fawcett, eighties die with Michael Jackson, and the court breathes new life into Savannah Redding. She wins! What does Savannah receive for her six years in court? The right to start over, suing only the school. The real victory is for Zero Tolerance America, as foreshadowed in oral argument by Justice Alito.
‘The school should keep records on its students the way police keep records on confidential informants. Unless the informant has a proven record of having accurately ratted out a certain number of classmates, she shouldn't be believed.”
Savannah Reddy was molested. Twice.
Prevention education programs like Good Touch, Bad Touch teach kids about child abuse, sex abuse, and bullying. Civics is where you learn don't take any shit from the man. That’s why the man no longer teaches civics. Of course, he still teaches kids how to write their name.
Takes 30 years on a war on drugs to reach Savannah Redding's crotch. Court doesn't say, call the parents. Doesn't admonish Savannah's mom for parental malpractice for signing the contract. Doesn't ask are you rednecks out of your fucking minds?! It says, “Next time you troll for Motrin in the honor student's vagina get us something we can hang our hat on like a rat with a track record!”
The Ten Commandments compel obedience. The Ten Amendments invite questions.
Recently, the executive producers of our nation's security theater did it again. In May, the United States Supreme Court closed its doors forever. The iconic 1,300-pound brass doors — the ones that say, ‘Equal Justice Under Law’ over the entrance — closed forever. For security reasons.
Of course, the First Amendment still provides access to the court. It’s just that now access is provided through a side door, like the one reserved for prisoners. And over the entrance: “Any Liquids Or Gels?”
I get off probation in September of 1998. And for three years, manage to put all this bullshit behind me. Julie and I are working 16 hours a day, seven days a week to get the new company off the ground. Before the second tower hits the ground, I turn to her and I say, “They're going to use this to torch the Bill Of Rights, lock this country down, and the People will say ‘Thank you.’”
I would have been thrilled to be wrong. Unfortunately, pretty much every day since my government comes knocking on the door. Same government doesn't keep heroin out of its maximum security prisons. That government. Knocking on the door together with their business partners in the Risk Management Industrial Complex. Telling me I need to surrender certain freedoms on the altar of security. Well, for 700 days I was secure. They called it prison.
Today everyone's a suspect. Everyone's got a machine to sell. For the shifty salesman or prosecutor dumping dirt to get to deal with Mrs. Jones or the jury. Or the government dumping dirt on your Bill of Rights. Tactics are identical. Finesse the situation. Cheat along the edges. Use magic words to trigger the conditioned response of acquiescence: Time Of War. For Security Reasons. And, of course, The Children.
Keep y’all hopped up on the degrading toxin of fear. Geez, why would they do that, Mark? Because fearful people go, “Take my money. Take my freedom.”
If ‘The Terrorists’ are so amazing. If they can leap tall buildings in a single bound. If they're more powerful than a locomotive. Where's their ingenuity? They know we have security at the airport. Do they move on to the 500 urban transportation systems? Do they move on to the 12,000 power plants, the 66,000 chemical plants, 87,000 food processing plants, 80,000 dams, 590,000 bridges, the 13,000 McDonald's? No. They set their underwear on fire.
At the airport!
Just change a word or two here and there. It’s not America. It’s Post 9-11 America. What do you understand about that, boy? We don't have torture. We have enhanced interrogation. See, honey, it's not cheating. It's enhanced monogamy!
Bush: Global War on Terror. Obama: Overseas Contingency Operation.
Bush: Operation Iraqi Freedom. Obama: Operation New Dawn.
Bush: Preemptive Detention. Obama: Prolonged Detention.
Bush: CIA. Obama: H.I.G. High Value Detainee Interrogation Group. Sounds like they sell fuckin’ insurance!
Bush: Patriot Act. Obama: Patriot Act.
First time George Bush follows the Constitution is January 20th, 2009 when he leaves office. So, like a lot of people, I vote for the new guy. Turns out I can't see past skin color after all.
He says, “Constitutional law professor,” I hear civil libertarian.
He says, “Close Gitmo,” I hear let them go.
He says, “No troops in Pakistan,” I don't hear bomb them with drones.
I seem to recall somebody announcing his candidacy from Abraham Lincoln's porch in Springfield, Illinois. Well, guess what? At his inauguration, Honest Abe, expressly defers to the Constitution 32 times. 32 times. But at his inauguration, like Nixon, Carter, Reagan, H.W., Clinton, and W. Before him, the Flag Pin-wearing Obama doesn't mention the Constitution once. Not even lip service.
In January, five Americans from Alexandria fly to Pakistan to join Al-Qaeda. Now, Pakistan doesn't like Al-Qaeda any more than we like our Christian soldiers shooting up abortion clinics. Does that mean they drone Virginia? No. In fact, they do what we used to do. Last month, Pakistani prosecutors convict the Americans. Ask for 20 years, judge gives them 10, both sides appeal.
But for America, imprisoning only those we convict. That's so September 10th.
It's not imperialism. It's post-racial.
We're not looking the other way. We're looking forward.
It's not a bailout. It's a rescue plan.
Buy a senator, get a check!
Fraud in America is no longer a crime. It's the goal. Remember couple years back — 2008 — unemployment is 5%. Everyone has two homes and a boat. Fraud is working great! Fucking amazing! We become all wishy-washy about it, everything goes to hell.
Our entire system depends on Mrs. Jones buying shit. she doesn't need with money she doesn't have. That's how it fucking works, okay? Wall Street's known for years. You don't write a memo to the rainmakers telling them to be dishonest. You put them on commission. Don't cheat, you don't eat. That's the rule. Works great!
Lori Moncrief, third generation owner of Moncrief Tool and Dye in Detroit. 35 employees. Not one layoff. Three years ago, she used to make small metal auto parts. Today she makes hand grenades. Business is booming!
Doesn't matter where you go. My home state of Vermont. We are world famous for our tolerance, are we not? I mean we don't care what your orientation is — gay, straight, portrait, landscape — come one up! We will tolerate your ass!
But in Vermont, if your kid fucks up, we have 27 laws say a child of ten can be prosecuted as an adult. See how that little shit does sorting this crap out in the library! That’ll teach the little bastard.
Coming off a two-week theater festival in Oklahoma. I'm at the Tulsa International Airport, where the only thing international is their house of pancakes!
I'm in the security line waiting about three people in front of me. She's about five feet tall, doesn't speak English. Put her baby in the bin. They scan the fucking baby! Apparently not trained to recognize babies down there, the Department Of Shoe Removal and Tweezer Confiscation!
I'm like, “That baby's not going to have any hair.” And, they’re like, “You know what? You step right over here!” And the TSA weasel kid guy, right? He's rootin’ through my bag and he goes, “Oh, this will never do.”
I'm like, “What?”
Says, “Well, you put your shampoo in a 5-ounce bottle, not the 3.4-ounce bottle.”
This is what it's down to, a 3.4-ounce fucking bottle! So, I hand him my laptop. He’s like, “What's this?” I'm like, “Well, you're the genius knows how to bring down a 737 with 5-ounces of shampoo. Thought you'd be just the guy to fix my pop-up problem.”
“Bring that right on the plane,” he goes!
Then he pulls out my beautiful leather orange Nike high tops. Cost about 200 bucks. Holds ‘em high like this, and he goes, “Aren't you a little old to be wearing these, Dude?”
I’m like, “Aren't you a little young to have abandoned your dreams?”
The Authoritarians among us had the temerity to call Zero Tolerance, Maximum Government, we'd scoop up our pitchforks and torches and storm the statehouse. Or would we? What if Zero Tolerance is who we've become? I mean, I wonder if the children caught up in the undeclared War On Individualism, these overscheduled recipients of too much homework, the ones indoctrinated on the Walking School Bus, I wonder if they'll ever stop and think, to ask a creative question.
Are we safer? Aren't we safe enough?
Why is it orange at the airport and yellow in the theaters? Isn't the airport all the fucking security is?
If I don't believe Al Gore, why should I believe Al-Qaeda?
Why does Congress have a 10% approval rating and a 90% re-election rate?
Is United States Senator Al Franken really a former comedian, or did he just turn pro?
For a Republic that claims to fundamentally be about second chances, Zero Tolerance is Radical Extremism. What officially begins in 1972 with the Government, the most powerful, saying we can't have the Mafia, the scariest people, selling heroin, the scariest drug to the children, the most vulnerable among us, evolves into the most powerful, strip-searching the most vulnerable, in hot pursuit of two ibuprofen, the most harmless legal pain reliever ever developed.
The War On Drugs is not a war. It never was. Wars end. It's a program. They just changed a word.
The iron-fisted, presumed guilty, cultural attitude normalized by the 40-year drug war, is republished in those unconstitutional sentencing guidelines right here in the wastebasket. And again, in the Patriot Act, as part of the Decider's Zero Tolerance, preemptive military engagement on radical Islam. So, it's not the Decade From Hell. It's just Post-Constitutional America and the new crew, Obama, Eric Holder, Janet Napolitano, they don't say Radical Islam anymore. They say, “Radical Extremism.”
Well, here's the universal part, Radical Extremism is whatever a government says it is.
We learned this year that if you're 17 and you're a lesbian and you live in Jackson, Mississippi and you want to go to the prom, that's fucking radical. Then when you get your court order from the Federal court to go to the prom, they will cancel the fucking prom!
Joe Stark flies his Piper Colorado, into the Austin branch of IRS without an appointment. Not so radical!
Two men, two men, both Americans, both become unhinged in the wake of attacks on their homeland and the slaughter of innocent men, women, and children at the overreaching hands of our Government. One knows how to blow shit up. Learns from the best. Gets a bronze star for his role in Operation Desert Storm. Slaughters 168 Americans. He's apprehended. They read him his rights. Jury convicts. Cause of death, lethal injection. The other American also wants to kill some of his fellow citizens. He just doesn't know how. Domestic surveillance cameras don't stop him from trying. No-fly list doesn't keep him off the plane. He's apprehended, but they don't read him his rights. They turn him over to Obama's High Value Detainee Interrogation Group. He answers all their questions. And after nine hours of interrogating the shit out of this dickhead, they go, “Uh, we don't know how to tell you this, but, uh, you have the right to remain silent.”
So, Timothy McVeigh, the Caucasian-American, the Christian-American, the successful, mass-murdering American, his rights are protected, while the fuck-up who lights the bag of Miracle Grow on fire in Times Square, Faisal Shahzad, the Muslim American, his rights are obliterated!
They're not Resistors. They're Insurgents.
They don't hate us for our foreign policy. They hate us for our freedoms.
There's some bullshit!
If the word of a Terrorist is gospel, what about Faisal Shahzad testifying last month in open court?
“I consider myself a Muslim soldier. You select the government. You attack a sovereign Pakistan, we consider you all the same. When the drones hit, they kill women, children. They kill everybody. I'm the answer to the U.S. terrorizing the Muslim people.”
Every public trial, every public trial reveals multiple truths. Judges ask questions and defendants who have nothing to lose tell the truth.
Clinton's Waco begets Oklahoma City.
Obama's Kill Bots begets Times Square.
March 2nd, 1955, then 15-year-old, dark-skinned Claudette Colvin puts it all on the line in Montgomery, Alabama, when she refuses to surrender her seat to a white woman, predating the lighter-skinned Rosa Parks by nine months. Today, at 70, Claudette lives in the Bronx. And over the course of 55 years, she's watches your Bill of Rights migrate from the back of the bus, the front of the bus, to under the bus. I'd love to get her thoughts on the Walking School Bus.
If Nixon's vice president of marketing, H.R. Haldeman, was here today, the memo would say, “The whole problem is really the Muslims. The key is to devise a system that recognizes this without appearing to.”
If Derek Mitchell was here today, I know exactly what he'd say: “They ought to call Muslims the new niggers!”
Thoreau writes, “Any fool can make a rule, and any fool will mind it.”
Notwithstanding that admonition, I still manage to find a rule I can live with. But you won't find the Golden Rule in any law library, because the Golden Rule trumps the Rule Of Law. I do more economic harm to Mrs. Jones than I do that fucking bank. For years Government and I argue about what's legal and illegal. We never do talk about right and wrong.
I taught my sons, “Never tell the lie. Unless you're under oath.”
I taught them to set their face against politicians who demonstrate a reckless disregard for the truth.
I taught them, we have nothing to fear, as long as we have our life hammer.
Let's check the contract. We hold these truths to be self-evident. All. Equal. Mandatory, not advisory. Simple. Like 9th grade civics.
If I learn one thing — whatever it is you think is going to get you, it's probably going to be something else, and that something else probably not going to be too much personal freedom.
So I say, add a little fine print to the Constitution. “Freedom can be hazardous to your health. Assume the risk or assume the position.”
Been 19 years since a jury convicted me of a lie told 22 to 23 years ago, and the scrutiny never ends. Couple weeks back, Chris lost himself out of the car. I'm like, you know what I do when I make the mistake, Chris? He says, go to jail? I make a fleeting comment to Julie. I’m like, “Honey, you know, the chicken's a tad cold.”
“Yeah, well what about the time the Boston Globe reported you’d come to personify the evils of rogue capitalism and banking excess that defined the late 80s?”
Hey, how about that, Julie, huh? Seriously, I mean, I lose two homes, 60 acres of land, go bankrupt. She's still there. I owe IRS all that money, all those years, right there. I do 700 days, five federal prisons, one conjugal visit. That's from the guy in the next cell. I get home, she's still there.
Well, you know, recently we celebrated another wedding anniversary in beautiful La Jolla, California, where we live now most of the year. We got the Australian rock lobster, the filet mignon. Sun's setting over the Pacific Ocean.
Look across the table. That's when it hits me.
Maybe she's bad luck.
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